Never Follow Bob Feb. 9, 2007 by Geoff Austin

Never Follow Bob
Feb. 9, 2007
by Geoff Austin

Okay, so I’ll get to the title in a moment. Warning: you are about to step inside the workings of Geoff’s mind. It is a confusing place, filled with dangers and mystery. If you don’t want to learn the mysteries of life, be warned, proceed no further. The true world can be scary. Let us begin our story with some mental imaging, shall we? Something to set the mood. Well, it was February 9th, and well, you got the idea. It was as cold as February gets. I managed to venture out of the dorm and meet up with Bridget and congratulate her for actually coming caving. We thus proceeded to note how we were severely under dressed for the coming night air – more on that later too. So down the Quad, and actually through Burrass Hall for once ( I never considered such a route) we found bob and the rest of the crew. We discussed many a favorite snack in the vending machine, and sun chips are the best, I concluded, cuz my word is law. After calling the shotgun rule, I proceeded to hop into the car, only to regret that decision, because I was to deal with bob next to me and his hat snatching for the entire car ride. After many high pitched no-no-nos escalating from my bowels, we stopped only to find food, where I actually got bob to get me candy! Whoot! The back seat was full of boring and/or car sick individuals, Thanks mainly to bobs driving. So we finally get there, with me protecting my mossy oak camo hat, and a blatter full of water, I ventured out along the highway to make smiley faces with Jay, and Whitney was impressed, along with the other wannabe artists.

So we proceeded down to the cave, with Bridget wanting to puke, Kenzie found sheet metal protruding the hillside, and proceeded to poke it. We found a river bed and then the cave. Bob insisted I’ve been here before. I told him he dreams of me too much. I’ve never been their before. And John backs me up on it. We found icicles that taste of dirt, gave a pep talk, and tried to find out who likes seizures the most with a light strobe party. Once in the cave, we followed bob, but learned not to follow his treachery very quickly. We found more kitties (bats are kitties too, contrary to popular belief.) Bob decided to trick us into taking hard routes. (Fool me once – Well u know how it goes – anywho) Whitney and I were quite prompt in finding alternate bob free routes in several places. Bridget had marshals flashbacks, and decided to just walk through the water, and not venture the high route.

Bob, with his evil cunning, decided to launch a ploy against me coming into the mud room, but I saw it coming. A volley of mud ensued, but I held my ground, followed by cussing and no-no-nos. I returned my volley of furry in brutal hand to face combat. Many felt my wrath, but they soon regrouped and began to overwhelm me. My end seemed nigh, but visions of my puppy at home flashed through my head, and that voice in my head started saying kill them. I let loose a valiant furry, I was outnumbered. I broke the fighting spirit of the enemy, many retreated, wounded, near death, they ran like dogs from the fight. Then the boss fight occurred. Bob loomed on the five foot cave horizon. I managed to use my way wit words to get the militia to fight with me for a bit, proving Bob’s downfall. I had to plan my escape. I fell back. It was a lot like the movie Tears of the Sun, or Diehard, or Black Hawk Down (or the Teletubbies movie, your call) for the final retreat. Shots were made, I held the line in several spots, but I had to catch up with the others: to safety. Mud soaked, we left the cave into the abyss that is the night. The stars were nice. We made mud in bobs car. The ride home was sleepy time. At least until Bridget offered me “head,” twice on the ride. We found I-hop, enjoyed the warm embrace it offers, cleaned the mud off in the bathroom, and totally trashed the place. We all laughed and cried and were merry. Bob got eaten by a badger. The end.