NOT Caving at Clarks . . . or Turn off that stupid punk Nov. 15, 2003 by Jared Bowie

NOT Caving at Clarks . . . or Turn off that stupid punk
Nov. 15, 2003
by Jared Bowie

Well, I’ve assigned people on every trip I’ve been on this year (which is one almost every weekend) to write trip reports and you can see how successful I’ve been. I did get 2 though, that’s exciting! There comes a time in a man’s life where he just has to do the trip report writing himself and that time has come in my life. I’m as excited about it as i was about puberty. Writing a trip report myself is like those first wet dreams and those hairs growing in weird places, it’s embarrassing and i don’t know what the fuck to do. Anyway onto the trip report.

We were all to meet behind Buruss at 9am on request of Chris and when i say Chris i don’t mean Chris #2 or any lesser than Chrises i mean the Chris i mean Chris Woodley although i shouldn’t have to tell you his last name because that should have already been assumed and if it wasn’t an assumption from now on let’s make it one. Got it? Good. Well anyway i first drove to Sharid’s house to tell him and he has time to wake up and that we will pick him when we get the gear (giving him at least an extra 15 minutes to sleep). Then i drove to pick up Nicole off in the village of college apartments, Southview. On my way there i saw remnants of parties everywhere. Cans, bottles, kegs lay everywhere, on the streets, the grass, in the parking lots, cars were flipped on fire, and I passed a group of them (the crazy college kids) on my way. Some were wearing frat and sorority sweatshirts and t-shirts while others wore nothing. They managed to hit my car with a glass beer bottle, before i could speed away but i was hit with one of their ear deafening drunken yelps which almost caused me to crash my car. Anyway i picked up Nicole and we safely made our way to Buruss Hall (not the front but the back which makes sense because we always agree to meet behind Buruss).

We actually got there 5 minutes early and someone was actually there. We didn’t know someone was there until we decided to go get a drink out of the water fountain. We walked in and she jumped up saying BOO! It was Laura hurah! Eventually Steve and Jerry showed up and we just were waiting on Chris and his Sister-In-Laws sister Rachel although at this time i didn’t know her name and was under the impression that it was his Sister-In-Law. Well eventually they did show up in Sentra style and we headed to Sharid’s house.

I gave Chris the key to the gearbox and along with Steve headed to Sharid’s room to see what his status was. He was still sleeping and when woken and asked why the fuck he wasn’t ready gave an explanation like “I wanted to sleep a few more minutes” I ask you my audience, what is 10 minutes of sleep? Does it really matter or are we just submitting to the will of the weakness of our own body? Is our mind not in control? Will we let these calls for the easy things keep of from truly obtaining something incredible? What separates the genius’s from the average human beings? With that question i ask another what is a more universal human characteristic fear or laziness? Anyway on we shall go, Sharid woke dressed, teethed the brush, had his great secret discovered by Steve and if he tells anyone death shall find him. Finally we made it outside packed his caving stuff is what Sharid did and we were off. Not off to the cave of course that isn’t MUSG style, we were too on time so we went to Mr J’s to eat Bagels.

Well the cool people ordered bagels others ordered things like bread and while there were no negative comments then let me express my built up rage now, FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BREAD DON’T FUCKING EAT BREAD AT A BAGEL PLACE. Anyway we ate and when Chris finally sat down he began asking Sharid questions about a certain topic. Let me fill you in with some background information and then put forth the dialogue which took place. I had visited Chris about 2 weekends ago, we went and saw Strike Anywhere and the Bouncing Souls, anyway i informed Chris about Sharid’s melted polypro, how he had put it in the dryer and it had melted and was always itching him and now he no longer used it. Now let’s proceed with the dialogue.

Chris: Ya i really like my polypro it’s so warm and nice.
Sharid: I loved my polypro but it’s all itchy and screwed up now.
Chris: Why is that?
Sharid: I don’t know it just melted and became all itchy one day. (Now let me interject here to let you know that Chris knew all along that Sharid was not supposed to put his polypro in the dryer because it explicitly says not to on the label under the title Washing Instructions anyway on we go.)
Chris: What do you mean melted and describe itchy.
Sharid: Like if you take a candle and light it and let it burn and all that wax collects at the bottom and it’s no longer a candlestick but just a hunk of wax, melted like that. You know when you take everyday household cleaners and pour them all over your body to try to get freaky with a girl, but it ends up just producing this itchy rash, itchy like that.
Chris: Oh interesting.
Sharid: Ya i don’t know what happened.
Chris: Your not supposed to put them in the dryer.
Sharid: Oh i need to buy a new pair.

Well anyway we ate and moved on, agreeing to meet in the church parking lot if we get separated. Which we immediately did. On the way there the car was full of discussion about globalization, deforestation, factory farms, overpopulation, war, occupation. We were able to pin all the blame on Sharid for that universal characteristic he possesses. Music ranged from Thursday to Godspeed you Black Emperor at which point Sharid woke up and said (yes this is it that time in the writing when the title or part of the title appears in the writing and you are suddenly profoundly changed as an individual forever) “Turn off that stupid punk” I agreed it was time for a change so Sick of It All’s new album Life on the Ropes was played. This merely sparked more conversation about if “This is this” makes any sense. And about wealth and power. And how wealth imposes it’s own views.

Chris eventually caught up with us at around Blowing. Soon after we turned down the road that Crossroads is on and i drove up to the church parking lot, then proceeded to drive around in a circle until Chris managed to stop me and ask what i was doing. I told him to take the lead to Clark’s and we continued driving once again. 50 down a road with no lanes and crazy curves was fun. We then parked in front of a house, which looked pretty abandoned except for an electric candle glowing in the window. Chris then cordially invited me to walk to the trailer to the right and behind the house to ask permission.

I didn’t know what to say, I had never been asked out on a date before, Chris who Nicole says looks like Edward Norton in a weird way, was handsome and i just imagined the grand fun we would have at awards shows and maybe he’d even let me into one of his movies not anything special you know just maybe a line or a sidekick it would be amazing. And then of course i thought of how great the sex would be and answered “Yes” giving Chris a wink and scratching my balls to let him know i meant business. We walked up to the trailer passing 2 cars in the driveway. I knew the people who lived here were undercover agents working for the government because although they managed to hide their identities by living far away from civilization and in a trailer, their cars were both government cars i could tell by the American flags on both of them. Nobody else noticed though i just have a detective’s eye for things. No one was home except a barking dog. I then went and knocked on the houses door nobody there. (Once again) Caving at Clarks . . . NOT.

To the church we went. People changed, some went into the church to pray to God that these idiots leading the trip don’t kill them. Evidently there is a sign in the church that welcomes cavers to give their souls in exchange for using the bathroom. I of course having no soul to offer pissed on a tree. There was some exceptional nudity during the changing session and when everyone was ready, we still had to wait, because of course when i say everybody i am excluding Sharid, who takes his fucking time.

We walked to the cave. We caved in Crossroads cave. We went to the store Chris hoping to find Stewart’s root beer had to settle for the corporate owned IBC. We went home.

Jared says peace.