Corbett Cave December 2, 2000 Or, The Return of the Blair Witch
Dec. 2, 2000
by Brad Ricks
It was just about this time last year, when I first entered the Blair Witch infested woods (see Corbett cave trip report, 9-99) behind the house of Mr. Dick Hicks, for a trip to his cave, aptly named, “Corbett Cave”. But obviously that time, the Blair Witch was only watching us. She knew we’d be back, and this time, she was ready for us! So anyway, after meeting behind Buruss, going to Mr. J’s, realizing AGAIN that you get enough cream cheese on one bagel to construct several small rodent-statues out of it, we crossed the snowy mountains and reached the driveway of Dick Hicks. 10 minutes later, we made it to his house, and I jumped out of the car to go and greet the man. After rapping several times on the door, I noticed a girl sitting on the couch, staring at me. She wasn’t like other girls. She was different.
I opened the door, and asked if her mommy or daddy were around. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she spoke. “Kitchen” said the little girl, who was not like other girls. I thanked her and proceeded to the kitchen. Here, Dick, his hunting buddy, and his wife were enjoying some wood-fired stew. What was actually in this stew – I may never find out. After talking to Dick and the family for a few minutes, Dick went out the back door and grabbed his Rifle. He had a glow in his eyes like he was ready to use it. I went out the front door and got into the jeep before something drastic happened. I told Whitney to step on it, so she threw it into 4WD, and we went racing past the house, towards the haunted woods. It wasn’t long before Dick had fueled up his 4-wheeler, and was chasing behind us, wielding his double-barrel shotgun in the air. With teeth clenched, and hands gripping tighter on the handlebars, Dick was catching up to us with unparalleled fury. Whitney went as fast as the Cherokee Sport could go, but it seemed no match. Before long, Dick was ahead of us, driving us straight for the haunted woods.
Suddenly, the Jeep would go no further. Dick spun his death-mobile around, with shotgun pointed right at us, knowing full well that we were trapped. Scared, and huddled in the Jeep, Dick jumped off his 4-wheeler, leaving the shotgun, and Chainsaw, which was strapped onto the back, behind. He approached the jeep, and I opened the door. “HA HA..YOU CITY SLICKERS!” “THOSE ARE STREET TIRES, NOT ALL SEASON RADIALS!” “HAHAHAHA”, shouted Mr. Hicks. “Hop on, boy, I’ll take you to the cave!” He said. It was directed to me. I pushed the chainsaw aside, and sat on the back, straddling Dick from behind. He shoved it into gear, and up the hill we went. Now, with me alone on the 4-wheeler, Dick knew he had me. “I killed SIX deer yesterday!”, he said. “Oh good”, I replied, hoping that had finished up his ammunition supply. “Good thing I’ve still got all these bullets, HAHAHA”, he added.
I made it to the cave and back alive, I guess he was saving his ammo for the all of us. I got back to the Jeep, and the girls were gone. Dick stood straight up and shouted, “Where are they!” I saw them huddled in the back of the jeep, trying to keep warm. Knowing I held their lives in my hand with such knowledge, I kept my mouth shut. Confused, Dick bolted off through the woods in his 4-wheeler. It was snowing. Perhaps we were being left for dead. We got all our gear together, and I handed everybody helmets, when a shocking realization came to me. My helmet was missing. That’s how dick was going to do me in. He took my helmet, knowing that I hit rocks and walls with my head on a regular basis. Or maybe, it was Richards Grandmother, the Blair Witch!! We went to the cave on foot. Me, with nothing but a headlamp to protect my head from massive wounds.
Looking down into the cave from above, a light gas was emitting from the mouth. It was breath. This cave was blowing hot air. It was the home of the witch; it was her lair, and we were about to disturb it. The witch was angry, and her shrieks of fury made it all the way to us, as strong, hot, blowing air. Approaching the entrance, Julia suddenly disappeared with a shout! I looked behind me, and suddenly, out of nowhere, there was a large gaping hole in the ground, with Julia inside it! This wasn’t the cave entrance either, IT WAS A TRAP! Julia stepped back out, and we officially named this new opening, “Julia Cave”. Onward into the breathing mouth of death we went.
Just past the entrance, the cave began to really stink. We had no idea what it was, all we knew is that it was dead, and had been for some time now. We caved on, passing this warning of what was to come, aside. Now the time came. We were facing, nose to nose with “THE TUBE” Corbett Cave’s 200-foot tunnel of torture. This tube is tight, and it is wet. It’s the kind of tight that that if it were a bra, it would give any girl those extra two boobs on top. The kind of wet that Whitney gets after an udder-squirting fight in Amish country.
We all eventually made it through. Almost all of us. As the girls file out one-by-one, out comes something I’ve never seen before. It looked like a big, bright light bulb. But no, it wasn’t! It was Meagan, after ripping the back out of her pants! On we went. Me suffering mild head bumps and pains, and Meagan, having an unusually cold and wet breeze; towards the depths of the cave. As we proceeded, with Julia in the lead, I suddenly heard a screech, then another, and what seemed like shouts coming from every direction! This was it! We had awoken the witch, and she was coming right for us! But no, it was just Julia brushing against the bats that lined both walls of this 3-foot wide passage. The shouts diminished as we took pain-staking efforts to avoid every bat, whose screeches would awake the witch into a fury.
Further along, while chimneying across a Marshall’s-like traverse, there came a shout of pain. This wasn’t a bat, it wasn’t the water, or ghosts, it was HUMAN PAIN! Yes, the Blair Witch struck again. Having taken my helmet and Meagan’s pants, it now took Whitney’s Knee. Yes, it took her knee and pulled it right out of socket. Things had taken a turn for the worse, as the witch was starting to beat us. So we rested on dry ground. I turned my head just before lights out, and staring me directly in the face was ANOTHER FACE!!! IT WAS A SKULL! Sure, it was the size of a pea, it was the skull of a bat. Another sign of our pending doom. We knew it was time to leave. We couldn’t get much further in such horrid conditions. Julia and Kelly were the only ones left without misfortune. Suddenly, as we began to return to the entrance, just after Meagan passed by, flaunting her thong, Kelly did the same. THE EXACT SAME! Yes, Kelly lost her pants too!! With a total of three buttocks hanging out of pants, 3 or more bumps on my head and one sprained knee we ran, as fast as we could, away from the witch. Sadly we were in a cave – so we couldn’t run. But we caved pretty quick. Even one-legged Whitney made it out with unparalleled speed. And there we were – through the tube, and just by the entrance. The twins went on to find the way out first, when suddenly I heard the worst sound I had ever heard. It wasn’t one, but TWO VanAssches Screaming at the top of their lungs. I knew what it was. The witch had taken another one of us – it had to have been Julia. Fortunately, no, it wasn’t – it was the rotting carcass of a squirrel. They caved right onto it, and just about passed out from the smell. So naturally, we went a different way, and exited the cave. We were safe. WE had made it. Just a hike back to the car, and a drive home, and we’d be scott free. No more time in the haunted cave at all. Suddenly, a shout, a thud, then about 40 more thuds. Yes, a helmet fell back into the cave. It didn’t just fall in – it fell and kept going. And going and going. We heard it for what seemed like a minute. I rescued the helmet, and I hiked back to the car with the twins. Julia and Whitney had already gone alone. We made it. And from then on, only lost one side mirror. We beat the witch. She couldn’t touch us.
I went back to Dick’s house to wish him well, and to thank him for all his kindness and help. There was the little girl, again on the sofa. She had these dolls. Two without pants, one with a massive head wound, one without a knee, and beside her laid the severed heads of Dick, his wife, and his hunting buddy, simmering in the stew. We left, and stopped for amazing Pizza, getting home by 9:00 or so.